Blond Jokes

CheatingA blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his appartment and when she opens the door she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. Well, said the blond is angry, while she opens her purse to take out the gun. As she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it". The blonde replies "Shut up, you're next."

I ThinkA professor invented a lie detecting chair. Whenever anybody sitting in it told a lie, the chair would open up and dump the liar on the floor. During an experiment, a brunette sat in the chair and the professor asked her to tell about herself. She began, "I think you are the best teacher I've ever had." The chair immediately dumped her on the floor. After the brunette left in a snit, a blonde sat in the chair. The professor asked him to tell something of his life. He began, "I think -" The next thing he knew, he was sitting in the floor.

Steep HillPanting and perspiring, two blondes on a tandem bicycle at last got to the top of a steep hill. "That was a steep climb," said the first blonde. "It certainly was," replied the second. "It's a good thing we kept the brake on so we wouldn't have slid down backward."

Blind ManA blonde girl just stepped into the bathtub when the doorbell rang. "Who is it?" "Blind man," came the response. Feeling charitable, the blonde dashed from the tub without bothering to put on any clothes, grabbed her purse, and opened the door. The man's jaw dropped and he stammered, "Wh-where do you want me to put these blinds, lady?"

TVA blonde wearing a brown wig walks in a store and says to an employee "I'd like to buy that TV". The employee replies "Sorry, I don't sell TV's to blondes", and the blonde leaves the store. The next day, the same blonde walks in wearing a red wig. She says "I wish to buy that TV", to which the employee replies again "Sorry, I don't sell TV's to blondes". The blonde leaves the store... The next day, the same blonde walks in the store, with her hair dyed in black. She says "I would like to buy that TV". The employee replies again "Sorry, I don't sell TV's to blondes". The blonde is totally confused and asks the man, "I'm sorry, but I've worn a red and brown wig, and now I dyed my hair black, how did you know I am a blonde?". "Well", says the man, "that's not a TV, it's a microwave."

Education Jokes

Ugly New DeanProfessor Papp, turning to woman: Can you believe that the trustees named someone so ugly to be our new dean? Woman: I beg your pardon! Do you know who I am? I'm that ugly man's wife! Professor Papp: And do you know who I am? Woman: No, I haven't had the "pleasure." Professor: Good, then my job's still safe.

Double NegativeA linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

Fibia and Tibula"As you can see, class," said the medical school professor pointing to an X-ray, "this patient limps because his left fibia and tibula are both radically arched. Johnson?what would you do in this case?" "Well, ma'am," said the student, "I suppose I'd limp, too."

Bird LegsA young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten legs on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing. He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds' legs and give the common name, habitat, genus and species. The student looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got. Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked to the door. The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name so as the student reached the door the professor called, "Mister, what's your name?" The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, "You tell me buddy! You tell me!"

Relationship Jokes

I'll Teach Him!Girl: Did you kiss me when the lights were out?
Boy: No?
Girl: It must have been that other boy in the corner.
Boy, starting to get up: I'll teach him a thing or two!
Girl: You couldn't teach him a thing!

MozartA young couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation soon came to Mozart, "Absolutely brilliant?lovely?oh, a fine fellow?a genius, Mozart was." The woman, wanting to get in on the conversation remarked, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. It was just this morning that I saw him getting on the No.5 bus going to South Padre Island." There was a sudden hush and all eyes were turned toward her. The husband pulled her aside and angrily barked, "We're leaving right now." In the car on the way home the wife turned to the husband and said, "You?re really mad about something aren't you?" "How could you tell? My goodness! I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to South Padre Island, huh? Everybody knows that the No. 5 Bus doesn't go to South Padre Island!"

Coffee in BedAs Alicia was getting to know Michael and his family, she was very impressed by how much his parents loved each other. "They're so thoughtful," Alicia said. "Why, your dad even brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every morning." After a time, Alicia and Michael were engaged, and then married. On the way from the wedding to the reception, Alicia again remarked on Michael's loving parents, and even the coffee in bed. "Tell me," she said, "does it run in the family?" "It sure does," replied Michael. "And I take after my mom."

Encouragement"Well, how are you getting on with your dating of the banker's daughter?" "Not so bad. I'm getting some encouragement now." "Really, is she beginning to smile sweetly at you or something?" "Not exactly, but last night she said that she's said 'no' for the last time."